« Six Rules From The Ug… | Home | Mistaking Goats for t… »

April Fools Day Guest Post: The Most Serious Threat Facing the World Today

(Today's guest post is by Matty P. If you would like to guest write for us, please check out our guest post guidelines. We look forward to publishing reader posts on future Thursdays.

Quick note: The views of guest writers are not necessarily the view of Michael C or Eric C. For our take, please check out the comments below.)

I have chosen to forgo my scheduled post on why Top Gun is one of the top 30 Naval Avionics films of all time (just above Iron Eagle 9: Navy Planes and Stealth with Jamie Fox) to address a growing threat: Nazi Zombies. They are on the rise and threatening to rip away not just our way of life but our basic human rights. Mainly, the right of not having our flesh gnawed on by the soulless undead.

In recent years, the threat of zombie armageddon has been steadily encroaching on our culture. The best and brightest have saturated the media with warnings. In 1968, George Romero was the first to speak against the festering menace with his documentary The Night of the Living Dead, in which seven people in a small town in Pennsylvania attempt to fend off the first documented zombie attack.

Obviously, official government policy is to deny the event ever happened. Bureaucrats denote such occurrences as "fiction" and call those who investigate them “crazy,” yet more and more people have released their tales of zombie survival. From Sam Raimi’s classic Evil Dead series to the newly popular 28 Days Later, awareness of the undead pandemic is spreading. Even written account have reached publication. Max Brooks’ World War Z recounts the testimonials of several of those who were cunning, determined, or plain lucky enough to survive the Zombie apocalypse. 

Still, these tales pale in comparison to the greatest zombie threat to date. I speak of course, of the Nazi Zombie.

This is a game changer. While once we were faced only with creatures who may have once been friends or neighbors, now we face war criminals and men who were likely monsters before they became undead. It’s a development that can cause the novice to zombie combat additional fear and skepticism. Few things are more terrifying than a German SS bearing down after taking three rounds to the chest while chowing down on the remains of PVC Riley (poor bastard), it's dead lifeless eyes looking to you for the next meal that fails to satiate its undead hunger. 

One thing is clear, regardless of what type of zombie horde you face, the only way to ensure survival when they begin to overrun society is to be prepared. Always have a reserve supply of food and a fortified place to hold up until the walking dead pass by. Keep yourself fit so you can out pace the slow moving rotting corpses. Conserve your ammo and practice your aiming. Body shots are useless, take out the brain and you take down the zombie.

But these are just a few tips. Not enough to guarantee you’ll live to help me rebuild society. Mainly, you must do your research. It’s important to watch the accounts of other survivors and their friends who didn’t make it. What did those survivors do right? What did their friends do wrong? And check out the The Zombie Survival Guide or this wiki. Above all, stay alive, humanity needs you.

eight comments

Yeah, I have a clot of comments.
1. Nice obscure Iron Eagle reference. Fun fact: The Us Military refused to cooperate with filming because it does not endorse films which feature a stolen air craft so the Israeli Air Force did the flying.

2. Stealth also starred Josh Lucas!

3. Is Evil Dead redundant? I feel like it is.

4. This photo is from obscure independent film “Dead Snow” which pits med students against, who else, Nazi zombies.

But most importantly, I object to the posts thesis. The Zombie threat is clearly one of the most important we face today, and focusing on the undead Nazis, well, that confuses people who don’t know better. Zombies are unthinking, unfeeling beasts. The greater fear is Zombie MLK, zombie mother Theresa, zombie pope, or even zombie Jesus. Zombies are not human, but our human instincts will force us to have remorse for those we once loved. Most of us would shoot a Nazi anyways, being a zombie only makes it easier.

They don’t feel fear, why should you!


Speaking of Nazi Zombies:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0892899/


@ Pat – Have you seen it? Is it any good?


I have given a lot of thought to zombies. I have to agree with the thrust of Eric C’s comments that Nazi Zombies are plain easier to kill. This goes for Nazi-Communists and Nazi-Commie-Terrorists as well.


Wolfenstien!


@ Eric – First, evil and dead are not synonymous. I can be good and dead, which means I stay that way rather than rising from the crypt. Second, is this Josh Lucas guy related to that other Lucas fellow… you know, the one that created that sci-fi movie series? Star Gate or Last Star Fighter… It had star in the title, I’m sure. Lastly, I think you over estimate the common person’s ability in a zombie attack situation. It’s common for the unexperienced to freeze up. As I have always said, fear is a difference between us and our enemy and fear evolutionarily is a good thing. It aides our self preservation.

@ Pat – It’s always good to have another study resource.

@ Michael – Now you’re just being foolish. Commie-Nazis? Like that would ever happen.

@ Heather – Clearly someone has been preparing.


guys, you’re watching too much crap!!!
we watched “green zone” the other night. That was a nice “wishful thinking”-movie, just thought I’d mention it, since you’re into fairytales right now…

anyways, personally I think real Nazis are scary enough, even without the zombie-make-up, because it’s their brains which have already turned into zombie-jelly and that’s genuinely scary!


Commie-Nazis – seriously now – it’s not that funny at all, I personally know an asshole who first was a Nazi-soldier and then turned to be a communist sonofab… – always the same goal in mind: do what you’ve been hammered in and suppress mankind most effectively with insane BS! And there are plenty more examples where he’s coming from!